A Pen

Just like pen ink, does your love for me decrease with the passage of time? But even if there's still much ink left, it doesn't guarantee that the pen will always work. We'll never know how long our relationship will last. If the pen doesn't work anymore, then how are you supposed to write? By replacing it with a new one? Now tell me, is our relationship really that simple?

In or Out

If you're in then why don't you make time and come talk to me?

If you're out then why did you reappear?

I dare you to make efforts and convince me that you're worth it

no matter how impractical it would be due to the limitations.

If not, just stop playing with my heart and let go.

For I am so tired of these hopeful feelings and uncertainties.

Austin

It had been almost a year since I had been gone and left your side without leaving my number. I was back in Austin and it's several-hours drive away from where you were. We might be far away physically, but actually you were always placed closely at my heart. I still couldn't forget our memories together. Even on this rainy Tuesday night I couldn't help but think about you and wonder what you would be doing. I had missed you. Did you miss me too?

The longing became so unbearable that I impulsively pressed your number on my telephone. Yes, I could still remember your number as clearly as I remembered the way you called my name. I wanted to hear that gentle voice again. With one long breath I pressed the last number and placed the telephone on my right ear. Three rings but still no answer from you, until I got an answering machine saying:

"If you're calling about the car, I sold it. If this is Tuesday night, I'm bowling. If you've got something to sell, you're wasting my time-- I'm not buying. If it's anybody else, wait for the tone, you know what to do. And P.S, if this is Austin, I still love you."

I put down the telephone to the counter soon after I heard the answering machine. There was a little disappointment striking me. Why wouldn't you answer my call with your own voice? And who was this Austin? You apparently had moved on, or so I thought.

Three days later my feelings were as complicated as ever. On a Friday night I looked at our pictures and recalled what we both used to do on weekends. I still missed you and wanted to hear from you so bad. It was until I noticed the sweetest thing I hadn't heard for so long. I remembered I told you I would go back to my hometown, Austin. Although my name was Emily, that Austin you mentioned on the answering machine must have been me, right? In that instant I cried a tear, knowing that apparently you still loved me.

I decided to call you again and hoped you would answer. I really wanted you to know that I still loved you too. Three rings and for the second time I got an answering machine saying:

"If it's Friday night, I'm at the ballgame. And first thing Saturday if it doesn't rain, I'm headed out to the lake. And I'll be gone all weekend long. But I'll call you back when I get home on Sunday afternoon. And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you."

Knowing that you were not home, I finally left my number but not another word on the voice mail.

Sunday finally came. I waited all afternoon but still you hadn't called me back. I was figuring maybe I shouldn't have reached out to you again like that after all those things I had done to you. On Sunday evening I made my third call the last call. But before I reached the telephone, it rang loudly and I knew then it was you calling. I picked it up immediately and said to you:

"If you're calling about my heart, it's still yours. I should have listened to it a little more, then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong. And by the way, boy, this is no machine you're talking to. Can't you tell? This is Austin, and I still love you."

(Inspired by a song by Blake Shelton, Austin)

Apply For Your Love

Dear Someone Very Special in My Heart,

I am writing you to inquire about a possibility of a job. I am aware that this approach is highly unusual, nevertheless I am hoping that I might be able to get an opportunity. 

When I first saw you, my heart skipped a few beats, and I felt an instant connection, something deep inside me awoke and took over me. We got acquainted and soon became friends, things have moved so fast and I am thankful for trusting me and spending your valuable time with me. Yet, I couldn't ignore these feelings, and as much as I have tried to remain neutral, it has made it difficult, and I have been thinking to ask, what would you say if I told you that I loved you?

As you know, I am honest, straight forward, sensitive, goofy, generous to a fault, slightly naive, caring, candid, a bit tactless, stupid, open-minded, forgiving, and occasionally reckless. I usually intellectualize, philosophize, or make fun of situations. I am polite and chivalrous (both are regularly confused as flirting), and the greater fool. I am not perfect, am not the best, am not better than anyone, I struggle with things, am uncertain about many things and have been proved wrong time and again, yet I try to do what is right. At any given moment, I don't know where my head is. My past is filled with potboilerish problems, my future's fortuities are foreign and my present's predicaments are precarious.

Many things are still stormy on my side,  but it will get better, easier, and worthwhile. I can't tell you when, hopefully soon, as it can't rain forever. I can't fix any problems, but assure that you don't have to face them alone. I don't know where life will lead us to, and it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I get to ride along with you in this journey. And in this journey along with you, I want to learn what pleases you, what makes you happy, what warms your heart, what scares you, and so much more. I want to learn everything about you. I want to get old with you, I want to spend every moment of my life loving you, building our own family well, raising our kids together. Would you let me do that? Would you give me that job?

I seriously hope you will consider me for this job. I will not try to improve my credentials by making exaggerated claims or bullshitting you about non-existent past experiences, nor request anyone to recommend. Nevertheless, if you decide against it, and just want to be friends, then I am totally fine living in that constant pain, and will still love you. As you are more important for me. 

Thank you for everything.

Yours Sincerely, 

With lots of love,

Mila

There's Gotta Be More to Life

Have you ever felt so deprived and found yourself in a perplexity, wondering the true meaning behind all the shit in this so-called life? Well, it happens all the time to me. And sometimes I just feel like there's a small but essential part missing in my life, more precisely in my soul. I mean, there must be more to life of which I'm not sure. It helplessly keeps me wondering and wondering which consequently leads me to realize how tiny I actually am compared with the vast, mysterious galaxy. I've gone through much deliberation. People may call me smart but I am absolutely not smart at all. I am terribly far from perfection. What is the definition of perfection anyway, by God's standards? Who knows. But then I just can't stop questioning "what is it?". At the same point I also hope what I call 'God' will shed some light and lead me in the right direction.